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at the moment we are in a city called Bursa, first capital of the ottoman empire. now it is the carpart capital of asia minor, which is lucky because we have had trouble with the alfa romeo and have to get it fixed. last night the emergency brake froze or broke in place and we could not get going again after stopping for dinner. we spent the night in a thermal spa hotel where the water is very hot but the bathtubs are very small. played backgammon over dinner -- durem, which are like meatballs rolled in heavy pita bread, and spicy tomato paste and spicy peppers. my room is small and has a slanted roof. there is a double bed and a single bed. the bedclothes are rose. the patterened wall paper is mauve. there are sliver and glass light fixtures. furniture is again dark wood, and a tiny table and a mirror, and a wardrobe. the floors are new laminate. i see blue sky but also some cloud. it is cold, always cold here.

today we will try again to make it to burhaniye. this whole trip has been an adventure. adventures are about character and character is about change.

often i say i wish i was more sparkling, or more irresistable, or purer of heart, or more upstanding. or more aware, unable to be played, like Sam Spade when he said, "oh right, your story. that's ok, we didn't really believe your story, we believed your two hundred dollars."

the reason i like the experiment with the cards and the numbers and the pairing off is because that is almost what love is. the people who hold high cards are swarmed. the people who hold low cards are brushed off.

in love, if you discover you get attention, you either aim high because you realize you have your pick, or you aim low because you realize you hold a high card and good love is scary. if you get no attention, you learn to aim lower and lower til someone will take you.

i have buzzed with the rest of them around the pretty and the easy and the stretchy, but i am not sure anymore that those things are what the number represents.

i wish people couldn't get enough of me and my unique and beautiful pain. i wish i felt like i held the high card. or that my number was a nice-looking number like 96, or traced out something geometric like 95 which is almost the golden ratio. or something musical like 92, intervals adjacent to the octave. or a square number like 81, or something lucky like 77, or something mathematical like 60.

i like love songs that hold together when you substitute the woman in the song for the divine, like you can in this one: i look for you in everyone, and they called me on that too -- i lived alone, but i was only coming back to you. so play this number game with the divine. in this game only you know your number and no one else will ever see it. and you can make your number whatever you want. what is the most delightful, fragrant, lyrical, gentle, loving way you can imagine your divine self to be? lift up your eyes and love in the most pure way you can. where did i learn to aim my heart so low?